Seriously, DAYS friends, what the fudge is that cabin made of!? I've got to know. That is where I want to be at end time. Like, whether it's a Thanos snap or Julie shrieks so loudly we all shatter or UFOs -- sorry, Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon -- start tossing giant glow-in-the-dark squids that were raised on the space station down upon us, I want to be at that cabin just outside of Salem. Me, Cher, and the cockroaches will be munching on fruitcakes and watching Jan Spears wake from her 50th coma. That cabin, man. Seriously.
Then again, between the cabin and the Salem airfield, it was like CIN's greatest hits. If "greatest" means "combustible," in this case. I guess all roads lead back to Ben and Ciara. Just, you know, don't tell him that right now. His drama dial is cranked up to a 20, and the setting typically ends at ten. All together now: "Calm down, Ben!" But we'll examine that in more detail later. In the meantime, we must discuss everyone's favorite Last Blaster who coincidentally loves to "blast" things, Ms. Janet Spears!
Really, how can you not love a zany baddie that -- in the middle of her plans falling apart -- proclaims, "I'm in quite the pickle"? Ha! I also cracked up when Chloe thanked Jan for having no current beef with her. The deliveries were all just so on-point. Heather Lindell always brings the laughs along with the lunacy, but I also love when Nadia Bjorlin gets to flex her funny bone.
Of course, not all of Jan's hijinks were a laughing matter. Okay. Technically, none of them were, as Claire and Chloe were in a lot of serious danger. Major snaps to both Nadia and Isabel Durant for capturing the sheer fear of what their characters were going through so epically. They both dove deep and let the terror show in their eyes. The performances were amazing, and Isabel sincerely shook me as Claire was tied to that chair. Holy scared senseless! No, Jan, not our Claire Bear. Bad Jan Spears. Bad, bad Jan!
Now, Jan might be horrible, but Heather was remarkable, right down to Jan's last stand. The way La Lady Lindell commits to playing Jan is next level. The character is a complete psycho who's basically stuck in high school due to a decades-plus coma, yet I can't get enough of the splendidly crafted camp. Heather makes one believe Jan sincerely believes what she's doing is just. It's simply wunderbar!
Sadly (but not really), Jan's reign of terror had to end. Ben rescued Claire. Philip played the hero for Chloe. And Jan went -- you guessed it -- back into a coma. No, really. She ended up as Sleeping Looney again. Well. Again-again. I feel like Jan's comas are like a cocoon that bakes her crazy, and she'll eventually emerge an even crazier crazy psycho butterfly. So, you know, there's hope? I say that all with a wink, as I'll miss Heather's performances. Alas, we can't win them all, can we, Jan?
Then again, the comatose condition was declared by dirty Doctor Snyder. We all know how trustworthy he is. He's not. So, is Jan really down for the count, or can we count on Snyder's shadiness to help her skip town? Hmm!
Before we dive into what's next, here's some random gushing about last week regarding Jan's reign of terror:
I loved Philip ripping into Melinda by stating, "It wasn't justice, you idiot." Yep, Mel. He's right. You idiot.
It cracked me up when Jan was impressed that Chloe killed El Noodle. Yep. That tracks, too.
The moment Shawn realized he would have killed Claire had he been the one to rush into the cabin was crushing. I felt bad for the guy. Brandon Beemer hit that one out of the park!
And Martha Madison! We're just not worthy. Her scenes were heartbreaking. The tension she created was a great gut-wrenching mix of desperation, anger, and dread. It was brilliant. Though, I was glad Belle got that happy hug with Claire!
What's next for Belle? Well, I hope someone sends her a cake with a file in it because I certainly suspect Trask won't make a Statesville release easy for her. Nope. Not at all. But at least Claire is home, Chloe is safe, and Belle has Shawn for support. She's set. Her brother? Maybe not so much...
Brady really is a love junkie, isn't he? He's barely broken up with Kristen and -- right. I'll hold while we all sing a few bars of "Hallelujah Chorus." That must happen every time one repeats the magical phrase "Bristen Broke Up!" Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!...
Okay. So, Brady feels bad about what Chloe went through. Check. He'd already been into her prior to his breakup from Kristen. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Sorry. So, check again. But you can already tell he's ready to make the Chlomeister his sweet, sweet soul mate du jour. I do enjoy them together. Sincerely. But a beat or two must be taken. It's a bit too soon.
Plus, we have Philip chomping at the bit for another go with Ghoul Girl. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Morgan Hollingsworth needs to return. Dimples deserves to be at least one lady's first and only choice. Let Morgan and Chloe hash out the details because, at the end of the day, I'm Team Chloe. She's been a Salem underdog since day one, and you know what? She's still kicking. So, we'll add Chloe to Cher and the cockroaches as to who will be standing at end time. Viva la Chlomiester!
It's odd. It's like Elani's apartment grows rooms as needed, but the Horton house loses them. At one point, Tom and Alice lived there with five kids. And at some point in the '90s, it was the original Horton Center that sheltered the needy. All that space, and you're telling me there's not a spare room for Xander? The Salem matrix is a weird thing, my friends.
Also, couldn't Jack arrange it so Xanimal stayed with Roman? We know he always has rooms above the pub and a home that nobody ever seems to visit. Or perhaps the Martin House, Rafe's guest room now that Ava won't be needing it, or Lucas' room at the DiMera mansion. So many options!
However, removing Xan from the Horton home would rob of us Xander, Julie, and Jack hilarity. They were cracking me up. I, for one, will never be upset if some irritation comes her way. She's tough. She can take it. And in the meantime, I'll grab some doughnuts and laugh along with the hijinks.
Speaking of doughnuts, Ha! I think Julie's finally met her match. Allie really stood up to her and even came out on top with Alice's recipe. Then again, Julie shouldn't be surprised. She and Allie share DNA, and 'Lil Alice is Sami's daughter and Kate's granddaughter. If that gal can't pull off a scheme to get a simple recipe, it's better we know now. "Sorry, not sorry," Julie.
Yep. I buried that lead. Allie is joining Chanel in her bakery venture. It's to be called Sweet Bits. Chanel has whipped up the plans and delivered them to Abe along with a cookie sampling. Um. Hello, Chanel. Send some Two Scoops way, but I digress...
I kind of love this idea. It's fun and fresh yet gives me an "Edna's Edibles" vibe due to the ties to DAYS history (via Allie, at least). Then again, anything that brings baked goods -- I mean, anything that keeps Chanel's focus on something positive is a plus in my book. And it's totally not a ploy to get to spend more time with Allie. Not at all. Right, Chanel?
Did anyone exclaim, "Oh, that's right!" as soon as Marlena and Paulina recalled how they knew each other. It often slips my mind that Mar and Tamara are college besties. It totally makes sense that little sister tagged along on occasion. Okay, I'm in! Let's see these two hang out more often.
Still, Paulina is keeping a powder keg of a secret, and I want to know what it is! It's something involving Horton Town Square. It's sneaky and self-serving, I'm gathering. She seems a little torn about it, too. I repeat, "Hmm."
Maybe Auntie Paulina just plans to raze the entire area and put up an apartment building filled with light-blue painted studio apartments. That way, everyone in Salem can have their own room, and the kingpin of paint can make a profit. Who is this powerhouse paint peddling mogul!? That I don't know, but I think I have a new story for Jack to investigate because, let's face it, his schtick with Xander and Julie is hilarious, but a storyline this man needs.
And while on the topic of Paulina, hello, Abe! He so stood his ground while discussing the future of the square with her. I enjoyed how they debated their views on the marketplace yet remained respectful. Again, though, she's hiding something, and this will not make Mayor Carver merry when it comes out. Yep. Jack needs to be on this story!
While I loved Lani and Eli's chat about Chanel (more on that later), I got a foreboding feeling as they declared their relationship to be super stable. It is. In fact, they've never been better together. So, you know what that means. I don't know if it will stem from Chanel or someone else, but their strong footing now is likely to move toward an unknown slippery slope sooner rather than later. Sorry, Elani. It was swell while it lasted (and I hope I'm wrong)!
Rarely can one say they side with Clyde, but I do. I really do this time. Of Ben's drama queening out over the Claire kiss, Pa Weston said, "But that's it? What the hell are you freaking out about?" Seriously, Ben. Claire nearly burned to a crisp, and she's more levelheaded at the moment. Chillax, bud. Chillax.
Look. I do feel bad for Ben. His heart's broken, he's desperate to do the right thing, he misses his wife, yadda, yadda, yadda, but again, he needs to chillax a bit. Ciara is the one with severe brain trauma. I'm proud of him reaching out and not traipsing after her. That's good. Good Ben. The sun's getting real low.
Now, let's hope that since Claire is home and Belle's hopefully on a better course, Ben can talk to Marlena and hear a story or two about the times (plural) that John's mind went into meltdown mode. She could go into detail about how she lived with RoboJohn in the DiMera mansion, for example. I'm not saying Ben doesn't have it rough, but there's something about him forgetting that, while he is suffering, too, Ciara is recovering from -- again -- brain trauma.
Kate's not blind. She's faking it! "She'd never do that!" said nobody. I think we all, um, saw this coming. Sorry. I had to. Anyway...
I mean, if revenge is going to happen, at least Kate will make it interesting...and painful and awkward. Thankfully, her motive isn't a deep-seated love for Jake. It's that she felt betrayed. That she could not let it stand that Jake and Gabi were plotting their future over her comatose (or non-comatose, as it were) body. Yeah, that was tacky of "Jabi." A "gut them and leave them to rot" level of tacky? Well, at least Kate thinks so, and that's all that matters. I'll preheat the oven for you, Mrs. DiMera.
Okay, Lucas. Jake's not oxygen or vodka. Kate doesn't need him. Simmer down the dramatic declarations there, homeboy.
Gabi was also not a fan of Lucas declaring Jake belongs with Kate. So much so that she kicked him out of the mansion. That seemed harsh, especially as they're family, but sometimes it sucks to suck. At least Lucas is kind of used to being on the sucky end of sticks a lot. He's young. He'll bounce back.
C'mon, Sami! She stated, "That guy Jake." You mean your brother-in-law, Mrs. DiMera? Granted, pop-up offspring are common amongst this particular famiglia, so keeping tabs on them does require a certain level of paying attention. Nevertheless, Sami is better than that, especially when it comes to covering her assets. Then again, I'm sure if she rallies Kate, they could take over the company again with little effort. Ladies, I still have that fabulous portrait on standby, if needed.
In other non-shocking news, Sami and Nicole fought. It was a typical one for them. Very "pot" and "kettle." Still, I'd watch Alison Sweeney and Arianne Zucker go head to head all day and twice on the weekends if I could. Their familiarity with one another as well as their general acting brilliance makes for Must-See-TV when the bell rings for Sami vs. Nicole: Round 14,000. Yes, please. Always.
Funny enough, I had someone ask me recently how I can like Sami and Nicole. They said, "They're basically the same character. Schemers. They're both bad people." I simply replied, "Yep. It's a soap. Not The Waltons. Even the good characters sometimes do bad things." So, does either Sami or Nicole have the moral high ground here? Nope. Not even a bit. Do I still love them? You betcha.
So, Rafe and Ava. That happened. There's something I like about them. Something, though, that needs to be toned down is the constant reminder that he's the po-po and she's a former contestant in Ms. Gangster pageants. That part needs to sleep with the fishes, as we get it. We. Get. It. Plus, Rafe's exes include Sami, Kate, and Jordan. The man can handle a bit of craziness. Capisce?
HOT
Yes, Lanister. Yes! Shut. It. Down. Detective Price-Grant was not about Chanel sexualizing and disrespecting her husband, and, again, she shut it down. It was a civil conversation she had with her cousin, yet Lani didn't hold her punches. She let Chanel know exactly where they stood (and what she wouldn't stand for). I loved every moment of it as much as I loved Lani and Eli discussing it later and hearing his viewpoints on the subject. Yep. I loved it all. Lani's growth and self-awareness over the past few months have been tremendous. More, please!
NOT
Not the NOTTIEST of "NOTS," did anyone else do a facepalm when Philip suggested to Shawn that "I can't imagine how worried you are about Claire." Really, Philly? Really!? You can't even imagine that a smidge, Oh Deliciously Dimpled One? It's funny. I remember vividly when you believed Claire was -- oh...I don't know -- your child, and a multitude of malevolent deeds done to keep it that way. Selective memory reigns supreme in Salem. I guess face transplants can mess with the wiring, perhaps. We'll chalk it up to that and move on.
LINE(S) OF THE WEEK
Jan: "Wunderbar!"
Abe (sarcastically while caught in the Paulina and Chanel crossfire): "I'm so enjoying this."
Pre-1976 Off-Screen College-Aged Marlena (to Rude Man): "Only a small man would talk to a woman that way."
LINE OF THE WEEK: CLYDE EDITION
Clyde (to Ben): "So I'm Plan B in Operation Mental Health?"
Clyde (to Ben): "I ain't no shrink, but I do know that waiting around listening for your dead sister to tell you what to do is not a healthy thing."
Are we shipping Salem's newest odd couple as "Juliander" or "Xanulie?" Roommate-frenemies can have smooshed names, too, right?
Sorry, Sami, but Lucas' E.J. impression was a little funny. And a little creepy, too. I'll give you that part. But still, I laughed.
I loved Allie's reply to Julie regarding how she knows about J.J.'s contributions to the book club. She said, "We're cousins. We talk." I'd love to see some of those scenes of catching-up cousins.
The book club high-larity. Ha! I still can't decide which stoned Salemite cracked me up the most.
DAYS Fashion was on point last week! I loved Ava's sleepwear, Lani's pink sweater and white pants combo, and Allie's shirt and bell bottoms! Are skinny jeans finally done? '90s me would love to know for sure either way.
Kate shadily stated to Snyder, "Well, I'm not a doctor, now, am I?" Fair. Totally fair. And fierce. Though, she may or may not have been an anesthesiologist at one point. There's that.
I liked Rafe's headboard and wall color. Not sure about the pictures, though. Maybe Ava can replace them because, based on her last place, lady can decorate!
Alice's doughnuts are 290 calories each!? Worth it. Let's not forget the last ingredient is "Love." Seriously. At one point, the DAYS page on NBC.com had the recipe listed, and "love" was in there. So, I mean, if you don't eat one, you don't support love, and that's not cool.
I'll never not be happy to watch James Read. He slays every time.
Oh, right! Gwen and Tripp are cousins. I totally forgot to really pay that much mind.
Also, do you think Steve and Kayla are secretly happy that Gwen is now a part of the family, as she makes every silly thing Sunroof Stephanie has done look like child's play in comparison. Oh, Steph. I oddly miss you. Come home for a visit and bring Joey! And some Seattle roast coffee. Thankyouverymuch.
227 Lexington! Loved. It. I hope Paulina plants roots there so she can say, "There's no place like home," every time she walks in the door. Oh, Mary.
Oh! If Belle stays in the big house for a bit, do you think Auntie Viv would take her under her wicked wing!? After all, Vivian loved John. You know, via Viv's special brand of love. I'm sure that love would extend to Belle. Maybe? In any event, I'm imagining Viv threatening to shank anyone who threatens 'Tink. I need to see this scene. C'mon, Team DAYS. Make it happen.
I guess Jan's coma trifecta is better than a dead-not-really-dead-dead-You-Know-Salem-dead thingy, but I always get a little blue watching Jan go back to her cuckoo cocoon. Good night, sweet prince(ss). And by "sweet," I surely mean "sinister," and by "princess," I mean "psycho."
PARTING THOUGHTS
So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for June 7. Are you ready for summer in Salem!? I think we should all go to the beach on Smith Island and discuss the storylines we hope to see. You know, because nothing bad ever happens on that tiny isle. We'll be fine! And when we get back, Laurisa promises to have an all-new Two Scoops ready and waiting! She's also promised to send help if she doesn't hear from us in 24 hours. And, as always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact."
Tony
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